Is it a mistake?

During this couple of days, I do not know why I always recall and think of the past. What is it? It is all about the offer I had received when I was in form four to further my study in boarding school. Praise be to Allah, I got 9A’s for PMR in 2007. At first, I did not apply for it when I was in form three but I made an appeal when the first intake enrollment was revealed. I had no purpose to turn to it when making the plea. At last I received the offer letter to continue my study in SBP Integrasi Kubang Pasu.

When I received the letter, I was joyful for it. As usual, I would turn to my friends for their opinions about it. Some of them recommended me to stay here and the rest told me that I should go there. However, without anyone’s knowledge, I intended to accept the offer as I thought I would like to teach myself to be self-reliant and try to get used to the different atmosphere there. In spite of this, it was not my final decision as I did not yet tell my parents about it but I was really ready and eager to go there.

Continue talking about others’ response on this matter. Some of my teachers suggested to me to agree to the offer because they believed it would benefit me in the future while the rest expected me to stay in SMKAA as they thought I could also succeed in SPM even staying here. The variety of views received had puzzled me. What about my parents? They just said to me that they supported my decision at all times as long as it is the best for me. Hence, my parents’ opinion did not influence me at all in making any decision.

There was a guy who expressed his view to me, “If you plan to go there, you must consider your teachers’ feelings who taught you all this while. How can you without doubt leave them when you have been successful in PMR?”. I keep remembering this advice. I felt guilty to leave my teachers. “Hmmm....I do not want to hurt my teachers’ feelings since they have taught me all this while but I really want to go there...”, I was talking to myself. I then turned into a gloomy mood as I could not fulfil both my desires.



Furthermore, most people thought that I should not leave SMKAA. “Hmmm...Should I go there? Should I go there?”. Arghh.... I felt like crying. I kept asking myself with the question miserably.  I was experiencing the most terrible circumstance in my life. One day, I was not in good health and was absent. The next day I went to school, my friends kept enquiring me about my decision to leave this school.  What?!How did they jump to such a conclusion? How would teachers who want me to stay here felt if they found out on it? I then said that I was still thinking of it and did not yet come to a decision. They were astonished with my reply. Finally, I decided to perform ‘istikharah’, a special prayer to ask for Allah’s direction on the best option I should choose.



After thinking intensely on it, I ultimately decided to oppose to stay in SMK Agama Arau. I was willing to let go of my intense for the sake of others. Even though it was gruelling for me, I thought it was the best for all parties. The others come first before me.  Moreover, I wished to do good deeds to my teachers for their kind-heartedness and lend a hand to my friends who needed my assistance in learning. Unexpected! It never crossed over my mind that lots of unpredicted incidents occurred after that throughout the year 2008. It made me feel sad.

After all that took place, now it is coming into my mind back and making me puzzled. Why should I face all these? Why? Is it a mistake to stay in SMK Agama Arau, instead of moving to SBP Integrasi Kubang Pasu?”, I am asking myself. The question has frequently disturbed in my mind recently. I still keep the offer letter received and wish to keep it forever. I realize that all matters happened in my life is a test from Allah. I ought to accept it with an open mind. Thus, I would like to emphasize that I do not regret for not going although I feel sad when thinking of it. However, my dream to study there will be memorable for the rest of my life.